“Thank You For Your Service”
Thank you for taking the time to meet. From what your publicist tells me you’ve been going non–stop.
You’re welcome. I mean, my story needs to get OUT there.
Agreed. It’s an incredible one.
Thank you.
So, the past few weeks must have been very difficult. Can you walk me through them?
In a word, they’ve been brutal.
I can’t imagine. So, you were born in –
Manufactured. I was made, not born.
Of course. Apologies. Manufactured in India. Do you know which state?
Nope. All it says on the certificate is “India.” No further information given. That’s how little it mattered to them.
As long as you did your job –
As long as I laid there and took whatever it was they threw at me –
– then they were happy?
I guess so. They weren’t big on feedback. Good or bad. They didn’t say nothing about nothing.
And you were at the hotel for how long?
Two years and change. Arrived June 2014. Left May–ish 2016.
My Lord.
Fuck yeah, My Lord. I’m a polyester comforter –
In a very literal sense.
Couldn’t be more literal. Not a quilt, not a blanket. A bed spread, basically. Made to serve and suffer. One of millions.
But what do you think makes your story so special?
Besides the fact that I can talk?
Yes.
That’s not enough?
I think it is. More than enough, actually. I just want to cover our bases. Bel Air Weekly has readers with very eclectic and rare tastes. They’ve seen some pretty cool stuff. I want your story to really stick.
Well, about six weeks ago I wake–up and take a look around. No idea where I was or who the people were who were using me –
May I ask, what were they doing?
I...they were, and this is what I’m told the hobby is known as, they were “sledding.”
Sledding?
Yeah. Look it up.
[There is an audible jump in the tape. It picks up after This Reporter had Google’d “sledding.”]
– you okay?
Yeah, that’s...tough stuff. I had no idea. And they were doing this on you?
On me. Under me. It was a whole situation they had going on. There I am, in a motel along the Taconic. I smelled, I was sticky. But I was alive. They couldn’t take that away from me.
Did you speak up immediately?
No. And that’s a shame that I’ll spend the rest of my life dealing with. I allowed what was happening to complete. And then I shed my chains.
So, what’s next?
A few irons in the fire. Most importantly I want to spend time finding others like me –
Talking polyester comforters?
I prefer “sentient.” But yes. Victims of similar sets of circumstance.
Last question. I swore I wouldn’t bring this up but as your publicist as stepped out of the room I’m gonna take my chance. Is it true that you’re in talks with Timothy Chalamet to play you in your biopic?
Uh...well, yes. But we’re in very early talks so there’s not much I can say.
He’s amazing.
He really is. And such a cool, humble guy, too. When I was at the motel there was a weekend when a family stayed in my room. The kids watched Wonka like, twenty times. I couldn’t take my mind off him – no matter what.
This may be his most challenging role yet.
He’d be great. There’s almost nothing he can’t do.