“I, Fonzi”

This is fucked.

Why the fuck am I jumping a shark? To prove what? I fucking know I’m cool. “If you feel cool then you are cool.” I’ve said that a million times. So why do I have to prove it yet again?

God, I’m hot. I’m sweating my balls off. I’m sweating like a stuck pig. Do pigs sweat? What exactly is a stuck pig? Can pigs get unstuck? It’s like a fucking sauna under this jacket. I could steam vegetables in my arm pits. That would be something, at least. Some value in the endeavor. Instead of a big fat nothing.

The water is cold as a motherfucker. I’m bobbing around out here like a fucking ice cube. And I wore my jacket into the water why exactly?

Also, where’d Richie get the shark? Last night in the hot tub this was an idea and suddenly they find a fucking shark? HOW? We’re not even from here. Did they look for “SHARK’ in the Yellow Pages? Those dipshits have been finger banging their way up and down Zuma since we got here. How’d they find the time to get a shark? Or the motorboat?

WHY am I doing this? I’m really at a loss. My eyes are stinging from all the fucking Brylcream. It’s melting…along with my integrity and self-esteem.

I can’t stand myself. I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t stand myself.I can’t-

Has anyone done the math on this? I know I haven’t. What's the ratio speed per inch velocity that I have to hit the ramp at?

I’m gonna die out here. They don’t care. Richie doesn’t give a fuuuuuck. Potsie barely cares. Ralph only cares if Potsie does. Why should they? They’re on the shore staring at their dicks while I’m floating around like dolphin shit.

Look at me. LOOK AT ME! I’m wearing a leather jacket in the ocean. This is bad. This is so bad. I…I really don’t know how I’m gonna survive this.

If I fail, I die. If I succeed, I…then what? What’s the end goal? Respect? Doubtful. Money? Uh…no. It's costing me money. I had to pay for the boat, the skis, the gas. I assume these rich fucks’ll expect me to tip the guy, too. That’s money I’ll never see again.

I’m gonna crash on purpose. I’m serious. Fucking have some guts and just let the shark swallow you whole. Just go with it. Where do you go from here? What’s next? Cause they’re not just gonna let it go. This is gonna get bigger. You’re jumping a fucking shark right out of the gate. You didn’t even work up to this. This is act one. How you gonna top this?

Great. They're waving at me now and the boat is starting.

Be a man.

Crash into the shark cage thing.

Let the shark make you a legend.

Do it.